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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Kusut 

Jadi sebenernya loe suka sama dia?

Engga tau.

Lho? Kok ngga tau? Suka is suka. Engga is engga. Jangan ngga tau dong.

Ya, ngga tau.

Lho? Ah loe aneh!

Iya, itu gue tau. Gue emang aneh.

Jadi suka ato enggaaa..?!

Maunya sih.. suka..

Tapi...?

Tapi rugi kali ya suka sama dia.

Lho kok rugi? Emang apa salahnya suka sama orang?

Ya ngga ada salahnya. Lebih salah suka sama gorila (*wink wink*). Tapi ngga tau apa untungnya suka sama dia.

Ih, suka kok pake untung rugi?

Abis.. gue minder.

Minder?

Iyah. Dia susah banget dideketinnya.

Well, iya sih. Itu juga gue bisa liat. Tapi kan itu gunanya pdkt.

Susah pdkt ama dia.

Diusahain dong. Bisa lah elo mah. Dulu ngga susah kan cari cowo buat loe.

Iya emang dulu ngga susah. Tapi yg ini susah.

Susah kenapa sih?

Ya itu. Dia susah banget dideketin. Anaknya cuek mampus. Blon lagi itu cewe yg deket ama dia... Bikin gue minder.

Cewe yg mana?

Si B itu. Mereka history-nya go way back. Mereka pernah satu gereja, satu course, sering pulang bareng, kalo ngobrol nyambung, udah ampe aku-kamu gitu ngobrolnya. Gue minder, man, sama tuh cewe.

What's so WAH about this cewe emang kalo dibanding elo?

Um.. Ngga wah gimana sih. As a person, menurut gue dia biasa-biasa ajah. Tapi deketnya mereka itu lho...

Yg keliatannya deket belon tentu deket beneran lho.

Iya emang. But it sure as hell is intimidating!

Hahaha... So true. Terus, loe mo gimana? Gue bilang sih usahain ajah lagi. Nothing to lose kan?

Yeah.. gue tau. Tapi takut ah. Gue ngga bisa deketin dia. Ngga tau kenapa. Lagian, gue bisa milih kok, bisa suka ato engga ama satu orang.

Jadi... loe milih mau suka sama dia.. ato engga?

Hm... good question. If I had a gun to my head....

Wahahaha... itu lagi! Ya, fine. If you had a gun to your head, would you like him?

Engga tau.

Aaaaarrrggghhhh!!! Aneh loe!

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Friday, May 19, 2006

Boleh kan? 

lebih indah tawa daripada tangis,
lalu kenapa sendu jadi hobimu?
lebih perih pedih sedih,
kenapa tak hilangkan saja tangismu?

bila memang tidak boleh dia,
kenapa paksa?
bila memang tidak bisa,
kenapa juga?

tidak lebih enakkah bahagia,
hingga kau lepaskan begitu saja?
sudah hilangkah senyum lepas,
atau mungkin bersembunyi sementara?

biarkan aku
rajut canda untukmu
beri aku waktu
dan akan kucuri
air matamu
sediakan kesempatan untukku
bahagiakanmu
ya,
semudah itu.

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Innocence, in a sense 

I just got back from uni and discovered my house empty. My housemate has just recently left the house. The garage light was still on, even the bathroom mirror was still foggy, and I can still smell the remains of her perfume, lingering around the bedroom. I opened the sliding door connecting my room to the back porch, and did my daily just-got-home ritual: standing outside, looking at the sky, fagging. And talking to God.

Maybe not God the way others perceive it. I see Him as the ever present entity that I often speak to when I'm alone, most of the time standing with a fag on the back porch, or perched on the lawn chair staring at insects crawling or jumping on the ground, going about their everyday businesses: eating, reproducing, surviving, growing, plain old insect life. So I'd stand (or sit) there and speak to God. More speaking than listening. More yakking away than praying. Hey, that's what I do best. Surprisingly, you haven't grown sick of me yet... Hehehe...

Today, I asked Him for help. I need Him to help me help others, because I live off other people's lives. That might sound scary or strange to you, but that's what I do. I live to make sure other people live. It's a commitment I've made to myself, a personal promise, my truce with God. As long as I am capable of entertaining others, making others feel better about themselves, and most especially making them happy, making them smile, I am at peace with God. When I cease making people happy, I cease helping them live, then I'd start dying, which I don't want to do anytime soon. I wasn't kidding when I said, your smiles literally save my life, every single day. They do. I can't watch others cry, because I'd watch life drain out of them, and that would kill me too.

So I asked Him to help me become a better person for other people. I thanked Him for the ability I already have now to make others happy, and I asked Him for more. Because you can never be too happy. As said in a movie I once saw: "Kalo ngga bisa ketawa, buat apa hidup?". To whomever wrote that, I completely agree with you. Life is not worth living when you can't smile or laugh. It's the everflowing fountain of youth, people!

I thanked Him for my ability to quickly bounce back. The gift I have of not seeming to be troubled. I know that makes people jealous sometimes, but I'm not without problems. As a matter of fact, I have tons of problems. I just don't let them get to me. I don't let them show. Because the minute I am troubled, and look troubled, people ask me what's wrong, and they end up trying to help me. Every minute they are helping me, I'm not helping them. No matter how selfish (or stupid) that may sound, that's just the way I am. I can't let myself be helped, unless I ask for it first, which is not often, but I do, sometimes. More not than often. But hey, I'm learning. Just give me time.

I asked Him to give me time, too, to get past my fags. It's just a matter of time before I completely cease fagging anyway. So that's settled. No problems there.

I asked Him to give strength and endurance to a few people I know who needs extra attention at the moment (you know who you are). There is a certain limit to what someone can endure before they crack, and I know He's nice enough not to do so. I just hope it doesn't come to "Why does this have to happen to me, God?", because from personal experience, I know that's one question He will never answer clearly. I think He doesn't know why. It just does.

I asked Him to give me the ability to become a better person for them. I asked for the ability to say the right things at the right time to the right people. I want to be useful to everyone everywhere I go and whatever I do. I told Him that if I ever have employees, remind me to remind them to smile every single day, because other people do "smile" better than I do. It's a curse I have. My smiles are only enticed by other people's smiles, or memories of other people smiling, and being happy. I have a fetish for "happy". So sue me.

So I stepped inside and said "Amen", and came to the realisation that, whenever I'm in my backyard, I experience... innocence, in a sense.

Hey you! Have you smiled today?

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I ate a condom because I hate myself. 

Pick the month (number) you were born in:
1----I fell in love with
2----I ate a
3----I smacked
4----I sang to
5----I gave my number to
6----I murdered
7----I shot
8----I gave a lap dance to
9----I choked on
10---I bitched out
11---I had sex with
12---I humped

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------A homeless guy
2-------your mom
3-------a banana
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------a hooker
8-------an iPod
9-------my best friend's boyfriend
10-------a goat
11-------my dog
12-------a ninja
13-------the computer
14-------a football player
15-------my neighbor
16-------myself
17-------a Jones soda
18-------a llama
19-------a pickle
20-------a stuffed animal
21-------a permanent marker
22-------my dad
23-------a condom
24-------my psychiatrist
25-------a policeman
26-------my brother
27-------my sister
28-------a baseball bat
29-------a DVD player
30-------a paperclip
31-------my cell phone

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White------Because I was high.
Black-------Because I was drunk.
Pink--------Because I'm NOT homosexual.
Red---------Because the voices told me to.
Blue--------Because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green------Because I hate myself.
Purple------Because I'm naked.
Gray--------Because that's how I roll.
Yellow------Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange----Because I hate my family.
Other-------Because that's how I roll.

So tell me, what did you do?

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