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Monday, April 30, 2007

Seriously, aren't you sick of me yet?? 

Guilt. Perasaan bersalah. Salah satu perasaan yg paling kuat yg cuma bisa dialami sama yg namanya manusia. Perasaan bersalah bisa bikin orang ngelakuin apa yg biasanya ngga bakalan mau dia lakuin. Yg lebih parah lagi, guilt itu bisa bikin orang sakit, ngga cuma jiwa, tapi juga sakit fisik.

Ada kenalan lama bokap gue yg waktu itu dateng untuk "konsultasi". Dia cerita kalo dia ada semacem gatel-gatel di kaki sebelah kanan. Ini bukan gatel biasa. Bukan panu, kadas, kurap dll, jadi jangan tinggalin komen nyaranin dia pake Kalpanax ato apalah itu. Ini gatel udah 7 taon ngga ilang-ilang. Jangan saranin Kalpanax!!

Ditanya macem-macem soal kebersihan, diet, alergi, segala macem ternyata ngga ada apa-apa. Dokter kulit aja nyerah, ngga tau itu kenapa. Disalepin ngga mempan. Diobatin ngga mempan. Bokap gue akhirnya tanya, apa ada sesuatu yg mungkin belum dia selesaiin, ato masalah yg belum dia tuntasin. Usut punya usut, ternyata dia udah 7 taon ngga ngomong ama anaknya sendiri, dan dia ngerasa bersalah banget gara-gara dia terlalu keras kepala dan ngga mau ngomong ama anaknya sendiri cuma karena satu hal kecil (pribadi, jadi gue kaga tau apa). Bokap gue saranin dia ngomong aja ama anaknya. He did, dan as expected, gatel-gatelnya ilang.

Ada orang-orang yg ngebiarin rasa bersalah jadi motivasi hidup mereka. Setiap langkah yg mereka ambil. Setiap keputusan yg mereka pilih. Semuanya mereka lakuin karena mereka merasa bersalah. Belajar, karena ngerasa bersalah kalo pergi maen ato nonton. Pergi beribadah, karena merasa bersalah kalo ngga pergi. Ngelakuin sesuatu yg sebenernya ngga mau ato ngga enak untuk dilakuin, karena ngerasa bersalah sama orang lain, sama diri sendiri. Perasaan bersalah jadi alasan. Rasa takut jadi acuan.

Hidup itu ngga susah kok. Kan hidup itu pemberian. Titipan. Kita ngga harus ngemis minta kehidupan. Kita udah dapet. Nikmatin aja. Lakuin apa yg loe mau lakuin, karena loe mau, bukan karena loe terpaksa, ato takut, ato merasa bersalah kalo ngga dilakuin. Just do it. Toh ngga ada ruginya kan?

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Not Alone (a look back in life) 

Have you ever felt like you're not the person running your life? No, not in a oh-shit-why-the-fuck-is-everything-going-wrong or why-the-hell-is-my-life-spiralling-out-of-control kind of way. More like, someone or something else has control over your life. You just think you're in control, until you realize you're not. Well, I felt that way once, and felt it again today.

I first decided I wanted to smoke sometime two years ago when I went back home to Indo for holidays. This was 2005, around December. It wasn't peer pressure or anything. It just felt like something I had to do. So I decided, I was going to start smoking, and then something peculiar happened.

Well, I guess I have to tell you a little something about me just so you'll get a background on the story and know pretty much why I feel what I feel. When I was young(er) I promised myself three things.
1. I will not color my hair
2. I will not smoke
3. I will not use tampons (I was old enough to know tampons)
I've already broken number 3 by 2004, so I only had two more.

When I decided I was going to smoke, weird things started happening. I watched a cartoon (I think it was Osmosis Jones or something like that) and it was about a kid's body. They pictured it like a city and all his cells were alive and living like humans would, and everything that happened to that kid's body would pretty much affect them. In this episode, the kid started smoking, and really bad things started to happen to him and his body. I watched it and I just thought, Holy crap. Out of all the Osmosis Jones cartoons, I had to watch this one. What the hell?

So yeah, that was weird. And then a couple of days later, I was watching the news. Right as I flicked to that channel, there was a report on this middle aged man, lying in bed with tubes running out of him. Guess what the report was about. Yup. Smoking. He's got lung cancer, and he's there to tell people not to smoke because you will die of it. I mean, since when did Indonesian news reports include people dying of lung cancer due to smoking, and why did I have to watch it? Not to mention all these anti-smoking signs suddenly popping up everywhere around me. It was just freaky.

I ended up smoking anyway. It got sort of bad, up to 1 pack in 2 days, and I got up to that only after about 2 months of smoking. I kind of stopped. Only smoked when my friends were smoking with me, or when I really want to. I'm not addicted or anything. I know I could stop at any time. I prefer eating to smoking.

This afternoon I was walking to work and I had my pack of smokes and lighter in my bag. I wanted to smoke after work. I walked past a place where I smoked last, walking home from work, and I suddenly remembered that cartoon. For no apparent reason, I just remembered it, and thought, Am I running my own life? When I make promises to myself, am I keeping it for me or for someone else as well? Why does it feel like I'm not the only person running my life?

I took that thought all the way to the bus stop, when I realized I had come to a decision. I would throw away my pack of ciggies (only smoked one) and my lighter. I looked for a trash bin and found it. Threw both of them away, and felt great.

I felt like I wasn't doing it for me. I didn't throw it away because I was afraid of lung cancer or dying from smoking. I threw it away because I made a promise to myself, and to that other person running my life with me. I threw it away because someone made the effort to make sure I saw that cartoon, and that news bulletin, and those anti-smoking signs, just so I won't break my promise. I threw them away because I respected my promise, and the people I made that promise to. Myself, and that someone. Call him whatever you wish. I call him friend.




Thank you. I've always known that I'm not alone.

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Friday, April 06, 2007

Rant. 

kosong. bengong. gajian. ngga bole nyolong. bengong. kerja. harusnya kerja. belajar. harusnya belajar. bohong bilang belajar. belajar bohong. bohong kok belajar? bole dong. makan. makan terus. ngga bisa berenti. ngga laper. pengen aja. breakfast. lunch. tea. dinner. supper. midnight snack. banyak waktu makan. banyak makanan. gendut. pusing amat. pacar. mau. mau. mau. mau. sepi.

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Holy crap, how long has it been? 

Gila udah lama betul ngga posting. Sorry, been busy. Kuliah, super banyak project dan essay. Kerja, yes sekarang gue udah dapet kerja. Di Sizzler. Not bad... Pay's okay. Tapi tiap malem gue pulang oh-so-late. Jadi udah terlalu males untuk ngapa-ngapain. Harusnya sih gue akan lebih rutin lagi posting, tapi sekarang-sekarang ini, ngga bisa. So bear with me, siapapun yg masih setia baca segala kedodolan gue.

Posisi pacar masih terbuka. Kok cowo-cowo yg gue demen either udah punya istri, punya pacar, punya calon istri, ato Johnny Depp ya....?

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