Innocence, in a sense

I just got back from uni and discovered my house empty. My housemate has just recently left the house. The garage light was still on, even the bathroom mirror was still foggy, and I can still smell the remains of her perfume, lingering around the bedroom. I opened the sliding door connecting my room to the back porch, and did my daily just-got-home ritual: standing outside, looking at the sky, fagging. And talking to God.

Maybe not God the way others perceive it. I see Him as the ever present entity that I often speak to when I'm alone, most of the time standing with a fag on the back porch, or perched on the lawn chair staring at insects crawling or jumping on the ground, going about their everyday businesses: eating, reproducing, surviving, growing, plain old insect life. So I'd stand (or sit) there and speak to God. More speaking than listening. More yakking away than praying. Hey, that's what I do best. Surprisingly, you haven't grown sick of me yet... Hehehe...

Today, I asked Him for help. I need Him to help me help others, because I live off other people's lives. That might sound scary or strange to you, but that's what I do. I live to make sure other people live. It's a commitment I've made to myself, a personal promise, my truce with God. As long as I am capable of entertaining others, making others feel better about themselves, and most especially making them happy, making them smile, I am at peace with God. When I cease making people happy, I cease helping them live, then I'd start dying, which I don't want to do anytime soon. I wasn't kidding when I said, your smiles literally save my life, every single day. They do. I can't watch others cry, because I'd watch life drain out of them, and that would kill me too.

So I asked Him to help me become a better person for other people. I thanked Him for the ability I already have now to make others happy, and I asked Him for more. Because you can never be too happy. As said in a movie I once saw: "Kalo ngga bisa ketawa, buat apa hidup?". To whomever wrote that, I completely agree with you. Life is not worth living when you can't smile or laugh. It's the everflowing fountain of youth, people!

I thanked Him for my ability to quickly bounce back. The gift I have of not seeming to be troubled. I know that makes people jealous sometimes, but I'm not without problems. As a matter of fact, I have tons of problems. I just don't let them get to me. I don't let them show. Because the minute I am troubled, and look troubled, people ask me what's wrong, and they end up trying to help me. Every minute they are helping me, I'm not helping them. No matter how selfish (or stupid) that may sound, that's just the way I am. I can't let myself be helped, unless I ask for it first, which is not often, but I do, sometimes. More not than often. But hey, I'm learning. Just give me time.

I asked Him to give me time, too, to get past my fags. It's just a matter of time before I completely cease fagging anyway. So that's settled. No problems there.

I asked Him to give strength and endurance to a few people I know who needs extra attention at the moment (you know who you are). There is a certain limit to what someone can endure before they crack, and I know He's nice enough not to do so. I just hope it doesn't come to "Why does this have to happen to me, God?", because from personal experience, I know that's one question He will never answer clearly. I think He doesn't know why. It just does.

I asked Him to give me the ability to become a better person for them. I asked for the ability to say the right things at the right time to the right people. I want to be useful to everyone everywhere I go and whatever I do. I told Him that if I ever have employees, remind me to remind them to smile every single day, because other people do "smile" better than I do. It's a curse I have. My smiles are only enticed by other people's smiles, or memories of other people smiling, and being happy. I have a fetish for "happy". So sue me.

So I stepped inside and said "Amen", and came to the realisation that, whenever I'm in my backyard, I experience... innocence, in a sense.

Hey you! Have you smiled today?

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