Aren't you sick of me yet?

It has been a good minute since the last post, hasn't it? Everyone else is moving with their lives, some of them away from myself. That's not necessarily bad. Some bridges needed burning. Some friendships needed breaking. Some people need growing. So where do I fall? I am stationary. No, silly, not pencils, erasers and clicky things that smell nice. I'm still, although I move daily. There are things that are improving, like the size of my belly and the amount of energy I feel I have. There is more freedom, even in this small space. I have new... should I call them acquaintances? We're not friends. Connections? Maybe that's a more suitable word. We do little else but fuck, so seems too much to put any effort in worrying about it. And I finally did it. I am strawberry blonde on a good day, darker brown with highlights on others. Then there's the silence. I have so much of it. An abundance of quiet to share. The biggest uncertainty comes from the fear that I a...

Perfection is the stuff of dreams. If this is true, then I'm having a nightmare. I never knew perfect sadness is possible. You can't be perfectly sad. There has to be a bit of happiness in there somewhere. Or so I used to believe. The world loves to prove you wrong. It has a sick sense of humor. I am perfectly sad. Perfect sadness is the stuff of nightmares. I know of nightmares very well. I have chosen not to sleep tonight. I don't know when sleep will come. It's the dreams I fear. That's where I see him, all the time, in so many different ways. Compared to things other people have experienced, other griefs, other pains, other sufferings, mine does not compare. This is only a broken heart. This is only disappointment. This is only the pain I feel because I think things are unfair. I thought I was special. I wanted to be special. But I think he kissed her, and he hugged her for such a long time. Longer than he did me. And I realized the truth. I am not special. I am...

Let's pretend forever started tomorrow. I promised you my hand. Promised to hold yours, tighter when we turn corners. I never know what comes, but I swore I'll bear it. Let's pretend I'm fine. There's tears on the table, on the floor, the tips of quill pens I use to write to you. There's red on wishes. There's blue on waking dawns. And there's gray, everywhere. Let's pretend it's not real. The lumps in my throat. The taste of your lips. The warmth of your skin. The unbearable pain no razor can silence. Let's pretend I don't care. I want you to connect the lines on my left palm. It's so cold. There's chains of screaming silence. Look into my eyes. It's desperation. Insanity. Gut-wrenching loneliness. Let's pretend it's not true. I lie to myself every day. I laugh with a tear-streaked face and pretend I'm hoarse from endless chatting. Things like this don't happen to good people. I'm naughty, remember? Let...

She hugs him tight under the covers and waits for him to come around. Little twitches of his fingers and his uniform breathing tells her it's not going to be anytime soon. So she waits. And waits. And couldn't wait any longer. She gets up quickly and turned back, checking to see if her movements woke him up. No such luck. She steps off the bed and winces as her feet touches the cold floor. Where are my clothes? After much searching she finds her shirt underneath the bed and her sleeping shorts nowhere in sight. She settled for his boxers and decided it looks better on her. She gives him a little peck on the lips, opens the bedroom door and steps out. *image fades* The new high heels she just bought are killing her, but it's a small price to pay for looking as nice as she is tonight. It's a special day for a special someone, and she has to look good for him. There will be many important people tonight. Looking her best is a must. She wouldn't want to let him down. ...

Shh.. Don't tell anyone. Come closer. I have secret I want to tell you. It's important you don't tell a soul. This is just for you, from me. Now listen. I can barely wake up in the morning. My alarm is a rather annoying song and it plays continuously until I actually bash the button that stops it. Every morning at 7 am. But I'd wake up anytime to watch you sleep. I spend hours looking through recipes on the internet and at least one hour in the supermarket looking for things to cook for you. I'll then slave over a stove and spend a majority of my day making something while praying that it would at least be remotely edible, if not actually tasting good. Then I'll act as if it was something I did at the last minute with no premeditation whatsoever, and tell you that I've made something for you. You don't have to pick it up if you're too tired. It's fine. I'll just bring it to lunch tomorrow. Or something. No biggie. If I know you're going t...

It's always cold here where I live. Always. Any attempts to warm up is futile. I've tried everything. There are no longer wooden furniture in the house. I've exhausted all my matches. They've all burned. All of them. I've burned them. Everything. I sleep in tatters and what remained of my clothing. I can't afford to burn what little I have left. Besides, there's no use. Not since she's gone. There are holes in the walls where the windows used to be. The door doesn't even exist anymore. I sleep between four standing walls and under a roof that's a lame excuse for one. There's nothing to stop the wind from chilling me to my bones but my two gaunt arms and folded legs, cowering in the furthest corner of the room. These days I wonder when the chill will take me away. Despite the cold I wake up sweating at night, screaming. Sometimes I find my tears on the tile floor and I stay up all night with my hands in them, wondering how so much water can co...

There's this certain strange sensation when you wake up in the morning with someone else in your bed. Someone of the opposite sex. Someone you've been intimate with the night before. Someone who has seen you completely naked and not minding it one bit. Someone who's looked at you with your clothes on and said, "Hey. Let's take these off and have a bit of fun shall we?". Someone you've seen completely naked and you can't seem to take your eyes off, even when they're completely clothed. But this is not about sex or nakedness. This is about the morning after. This is about reading faces in slumber, wondering what they're dreaming. It's about touching cheeks, lips, ears, chest, wondering if it carries into their dreams, if it's you they see in them. It's about putting your arms around them and being warm. It's about the absurd feeling that if the world ends today, you'll be fine with it because you're here, and they're h...

It's such a cliche. You never know what you've got til it's gone. It's been discussed in twenty million different ways by twenty million different people. How am I different? Well how's this for different. You're never going to know what you'll get if I leave. I'm funny. I'm charming. I do random things. I make you laugh. I make me laugh. I have the ability to make you fall completely head over heels for me if you give me the chance. But I try too hard. Sometimes too much. I'm unforgettable. You can't seem to get rid of me. I'm like this bad stain on your tie or that pimple close to your nose that protrudes just enough for you to be able to see it if you look down. You don't even need a mirror. That's me. I can be so annoying. Especially when I cling, continuously, refusing to leave even when you're late. I can organize your life in a way that you never thought possible. This must be just so. That must be placed right there. I...

A conversation on Friday 6 October 2006, 1:32 am. Reposted for you . Have I changed? People change. We all do. Yes, but have I? *sigh* Yes, you have. You've changed. In what way? Which did you want? For the better or for the worse? For the worse. I know I've changed for the worse. Unfair to say that. You've changed, in some respects, yes, for the worse. But others for the better. I've changed. I know I have. Do you ever doubt yourself? Doubt myself? Yes. Question yourself, your capabilities. I always question myself. Sometimes people do things that surprise themselves. "Hey, I didn't know I could do that! Wow!". You know what I mean. But you always seem so confident. Seeming confident do not mean you are confident. How can that be? When you always seem confident, when you are seen to exude confidence, people assume you are confident. When you always seem tough, when you're always the one who doesn't panic, the one who is calm and collected, th...

a a b b a b a b Poems. Bound by rules above. We used to learn this in school, making poems that rhyme as such. Funny chants that started with "There once was a man from Vermont". We racked our brains looking for terms that rhyme, and the lesser of us settled on "The cat, sat on, the mat". And then the Japanese, for one, stuck up their middle finger to European poetry and said "No. Not us. We shall begin our poetry with C, and end it with a Z, no rhyming whatsoever". And hence, haiku. the women playing sitar sound echoing in the valleys the fish care not Or something like that anyway. Tupac would be pleasantly surprised to know that less than 15 years after his death, we see a black American president. The only thing that escapes change is change itself. None of us can. Even our perception of God has changed. It took only a few hundred years for it to change from the jealous, war-loving God in the Old Testaments to the fatherly figure He is in the New Testa...

Maybe because now I know nobody's looking. Maybe.. just maybe. Can I make this your permanent letterbox? I can't seem to reach you every single day, although I would muchly prefer having you tucked in a glass case near my heart, or tattooed on the tips of my fingers, where it hurts most, or so they say. Who are they, again? For we, my dear, who are special to them are special to each other are special to me. Why? Because we, my dear, are we. You see? It's elementary what I'm trying to say. It's what I'm trying to hide that you should be wary of. But then again, it's only me. How frightening can I be to you? Don't find meaning in my words, dear. You'll only find yourself questioning, and that's where I always leave you. Am I not more intriguing when you know not what I mean? What does that look signify? What is going through her head? Why did she do that? Why didn't she? Why won't she just..... why? Too many Y's here. It's raining ...

Ternyata bener. Rumah yg berfasilitas super macem-macem dan berharga murah itu ngga ada. Well, at least dia ngga sebagus katanya. Di pojok. Sepetak. Dari ujung rumah satu ke ujung rumah laen cuma 10 langkah. Salah satu kamar bagus, tapi kamar yg laen kamar pembantu. Lantenya... aduh.. udah deh. Ngga usah dibahas. Pokoknya rumah itu jelek! Dan sekarang, back to square one . Cari lagi rumah baru *melengos* . Minggu lalu belajar memberi dan menerima kritik di dalam kelas. Kritik itu harus membangun, baik yg negatif maupun positif. Kalau mau kritik hasil karya, jangan kritik orangnya atau kebiasaan jelek orang itu yg keliatan dari hasil karyanya, tapi kritik hasil karyanya itu sendiri. Contoh: daripada bilang "Tata bahasa kamu jelek", bilang "Tata bahasa di tulisan kamu perlu direvisi". Jangan lupa tambahin komentar positif. Biasanya sih di awal-awal kritik. Coba ya, yg mana yg lebih enak dibaca. Tulisan kamu menarik dan mampu menangkap perhatian pembaca. Penggunaan met...

Setengah tahun sodara-sodara! Setengah taon gue nganggur ngga posting sama sekali. So many things going on all at once. Well, mainly sih penyakit males yg akut sekaligus kronis (hayo yg jago bahasa apa coba bedanya?). Dan sibuk. Selalu sibuk. Itu kan alesan paling gampang? Sibuk ma, ngga bisa nelpon. Sibuk pa, ngga bisa ngunjungin. Waduh, sibuk banget gue bo, maap ya ngga bisa ngobrol lama-lama. Sibuk, teman-teman, gue sibuk. Selama setengah taon ini emang banyak sih yg kejadian. Satu semester udah lewat, sekarang gue udah masuk taon terakhir kuliah. Akhirnya! Ada tempat kerja baru, teman-teman baru, hobi baru (ngga sih bo'ong), dan salah satu yg paling penting, pacar baru! Nah ini dia. Udah jomblo kelamaan agak-agak basi. Keliatan ada yg suka dikit langsung ditomplok. Dan kita udah saling nomplok-nomplokan hampir 6 bulan. Asik ya? Banyak pelajaran-pelajaran baru juga lho. Jangan sering-sering tinggalin baju kotor di lantai, jadi sarang laba-laba. Jangan males minum kalo diluar la...

Hari ini, taruh pikiranmu dalam kepala seorang ibu. Jalani hidupnya sebentar. Mungkin nanti kamu mengerti. Beberapa hari lagi anaknya lahir. Dia bingung, bimbang. Apakah dia akan jadi ibu yg baik? Akan mirip siapa anaknya? Bagaimana kalau dia tidak sanggup jadi orangtua yg sempurna? Akan lahir normalkah anak ini? Akan pintarkah dia? Hari ini anaknya lahir, dan dia sadar bahwa dia tidak perduli bagaimana bentuk fisik dan psikisnya. Yg terpenting adalah, sekarang dia betul-betul jadi ibu. Benda kecil yg ditimangnya itu datang dari dalam tubuhnya sendiri. Makan makanannya, minum minumannya, berbagi jiwa dengannya. Satu ruang dalam hidupnya terisi. Dia bahagia. Dia lelah. Ternyata mengurus anak itu tidak seperti punya binatang peliharaan atau main ibu-ibuan. Ternyata anak ini harus diberi makan tepat waktu, kalau tidak teriakannya tidak main-main. Anak itu menangisnya tidak tahu waktu, tidak tahu malu, dan tidak tahu kalau orang sedang tidur dan sekarang jam 3 pagi. Tapi dia tahu dia harus...

I know. Biasanya kata "surprise" itu diikutin sama tanda seru, tapi sayangnya, dalam konteks ini kejutannya ngga bagus. Come to think of it, ngga semua kejutan itu bagus kan? Some just leave you lying ngejogrok di lante, lemes. You can't count on people. Loe ngga bisa dengan yakin dan percaya tau kalo seseorang itu akan selalu ada disitu buat elo, no matter what, through thick and thin, no matter how annoying and bawel you will ever be. At the end, akan ada waktu dimana dia sadar bahwa elo itu menyebalkan, dan membosankan, dan ternyata elo ngga semenarik yg dia kira dulu. Ternyata you're just another new person in their life, yg akhirnya akan bikin dia jenuh. Loe bukan their court jester anymore. Now you're just the annoying girl next door. Dan apa yg orang lakukan dengan hal-hal yg membosankan? Of course, cari yg baru. You can't count on people to love you forever. Surprise... Loe kira hidup loe udah mulai content. Semua mulai jalan sesuai mau loe. Terus loe ...

I want it. I want it all. Right now. I want the works. I want the warmth in the night. The stolen kisses and quick hugs. I want the strolls in the parks and feeding ducks in the ponds. I want the closeness and I want the intimacy. I want hot breaths on my skin. I want the tap on my shower door and the smile when it opens. I want the naughty messages and playing footsie under my parents' dinner table. I want sex on the couch. Sex on the kitchen table. Sex on the kitchen floor. Sex on the rug. Sex in the rug. Sex on green grasses in the parks while looking at ducks in the ponds. I want the kisses on my eyelids. I want the feel of skin on skin while the morning sun shines on my white sheets. I want the morning kiss. I want the warm wake up nudge. I want to wake up to you and say, "Baby, I'm so glad my husband is away".

Guilt . Perasaan bersalah. Salah satu perasaan yg paling kuat yg cuma bisa dialami sama yg namanya manusia. Perasaan bersalah bisa bikin orang ngelakuin apa yg biasanya ngga bakalan mau dia lakuin. Yg lebih parah lagi, guilt itu bisa bikin orang sakit, ngga cuma jiwa, tapi juga sakit fisik. Ada kenalan lama bokap gue yg waktu itu dateng untuk "konsultasi". Dia cerita kalo dia ada semacem gatel-gatel di kaki sebelah kanan. Ini bukan gatel biasa. Bukan panu, kadas, kurap dll, jadi jangan tinggalin komen nyaranin dia pake Kalpanax ato apalah itu. Ini gatel udah 7 taon ngga ilang-ilang. Jangan saranin Kalpanax!! Ditanya macem-macem soal kebersihan, diet, alergi, segala macem ternyata ngga ada apa-apa. Dokter kulit aja nyerah, ngga tau itu kenapa. Disalepin ngga mempan. Diobatin ngga mempan. Bokap gue akhirnya tanya, apa ada sesuatu yg mungkin belum dia selesaiin, ato masalah yg belum dia tuntasin. Usut punya usut, ternyata dia udah 7 taon ngga ngomong ama anaknya sendiri, dan di...

Have you ever felt like you're not the person running your life? No, not in a oh-shit-why-the-fuck-is-everything-going-wrong or why-the-hell-is-my-life-spiralling-out-of-control kind of way. More like, someone or something else has control over your life. You just think you're in control, until you realize you're not. Well, I felt that way once, and felt it again today. I first decided I wanted to smoke sometime two years ago when I went back home to Indo for holidays. This was 2005, around December. It wasn't peer pressure or anything. It just felt like something I had to do. So I decided, I was going to start smoking, and then something peculiar happened. Well, I guess I have to tell you a little something about me just so you'll get a background on the story and know pretty much why I feel what I feel. When I was young(er) I promised myself three things. 1. I will not color my hair 2. I will not smoke 3. I will not use tampons (I was old enough to know tampons) I...

kosong. bengong. gajian. ngga bole nyolong. bengong. kerja. harusnya kerja. belajar. harusnya belajar. bohong bilang belajar. belajar bohong. bohong kok belajar? bole dong. makan. makan terus. ngga bisa berenti. ngga laper. pengen aja. breakfast. lunch. tea. dinner. supper. midnight snack. banyak waktu makan. banyak makanan. gendut. pusing amat. pacar. mau. mau. mau. mau. sepi.

Gila udah lama betul ngga posting. Sorry, been busy. Kuliah, super banyak project dan essay. Kerja, yes sekarang gue udah dapet kerja. Di Sizzler. Not bad... Pay's okay. Tapi tiap malem gue pulang oh-so-late. Jadi udah terlalu males untuk ngapa-ngapain. Harusnya sih gue akan lebih rutin lagi posting, tapi sekarang-sekarang ini, ngga bisa. So bear with me, siapapun yg masih setia baca segala kedodolan gue. Posisi pacar masih terbuka. Kok cowo-cowo yg gue demen either udah punya istri, punya pacar, punya calon istri, ato Johnny Depp ya....?