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Saturday, September 23, 2006

Elvis has left the building. 

I found out she was ill around the end of last year. They wouldn't tell me because they were afraid I would be worried and it would affect my daily life, especially because I am far away. They needn't. I knew she was in good hands.

It was breast cancer. And then for awhile, it wasn't. And then it was again.

She had such a strong will to live. She wanted to get better. She wanted to be able to stand up again and do the things she normally did.

She couldn't for awhile, and then she could. And then she couldn't anymore.

I got back and took care of her, and saw her well. I left, and she was fine. And yesterday, she wasn't.

I received an urgent call telling me I should call home. She was hanging by a thread. She was in a coma, and hope was thin.

I phoned her. I knew she could hear me. I sang to her. It worked for awhile.

I burned my incense for her. I told Him take her away now, or let her live happily until she's 100. Give me a good reason to cry. He answered me today.

Early this morning she woke up from her coma and was able to converse, although she was too weak. It was the last time she opened her eyes.

She died at 3 pm today, around the time I was sleeping, sleeping with restless dreams.

Now I have a reason to cry. Elvis has left the building.




Selamat puasa untuk yg menjalankan. Mohon maaf kalo ada salah.

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Friday, September 22, 2006

Another song today 

I won't say anything 'cause I don't mean it
Won't make a promise 'cause I won't keep it
Believe me now, I'd only lie to you

Well I've said that thought a thousand times
I believe in something that I can't find
So believe me now, I'd only lie to you

Now won't you say something
Please say something
And believe me now, I'd only lie to you

I spend my time collecting all these scars
And I know I'm lying by the truth that's in your charm
I hope down inside, I can't be what I'm not

Well I've said that thought a thousand times
I believe in something that I can't find
So believe me now, I'd only lie to you

Now won't you say something
Please say something
And believe me now, I'd only lie to you

Now won't you say something
Please say something
And believe me now, I'd only lie to you

Haven - Say Something




Haven't you noticed? Saya benci keteraturan.

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

Sad. 

She still loves him. She keeps his pictures in a secret folder in her computer, and in the deepest darkest corners of her heart. She avoids any conversation that involves him and things that remind her of him, but she listens to his songs and secretly finds out about him from the little frail channels that she keeps just to maintain a piece of him in her life. She looks for new men, but searches for him inside every one of them. She refuses to begin a new relationship because she’s saving herself for him, and she’s still hoping he will return. She’s still hoping he will change. That he realized he’s made a mistake and that she is the one he really needs. She still believes in that happy ending. She looks for his perfume in every particle of air she breathes, and cries when she finds it. She remembers their good times and forgets that blade still cutting her heart in little pieces. She loves the memory of him and that makes his betrayal all right, normal. She says she is over him but she knows she lies. And she can’t see that she’s wasting her time, her life, her energy on someone who has left. Someone who cares nothing of her and for her.

I see all these things. I’m that person standing with arms outstretched, waiting for her to let go, because I will catch her. I will break her fall even if that means I will have to feel pain. I want to tell her it’s okay to fall. I need to tell her that I have caught every fallen teardrop from her eyes and kept it in a jar, because her tears are priceless, and that she shouldn’t waste them on him. I wish she would just look down and see me, and realize that I would keep her from harm.

Do you know you’re beautiful? Too beautiful to cry?

I will wait. I have always waited.

And if it’s the only thing that will make her happy, I will become him for her. Even if it kills me.

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Hal menunda, menunda Hal. 

We are all procrastinators, in some level. Yep. Kita semua suka menunda" hal" yg seharusnya udah bisa kita kerjain sekarang dan bisa kita selesaiin sekarang, tapi kita tunda itu untuk hari lain, waktu lain, atau bahkan sampai dikerjain sama orang lain. Sebenarnya kalo kita kerjain sekarang, kita akan punya lebih banyak waktu untuk berleha-leha dan ngga ngelakuin apa" nantinya. Kita semua tau ini. Tapi tetap aja kita tunda.

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

Ada orang yg nunda" kerjaan uni sampe udah tinggal 3 hari lagi harus dikumpul, terus ngomel" dan pusing" nyari materi yg harus dicari supaya tugas itu bisa selesai. Lalu nyari alasan bahwa ada banyak kerjaan lain between hari dimana tugas itu dikasih dan hari dimana tugas itu dikumpul, padahal sebenarnya ngga kok. Emang dia aja yg nunda kerjaan itu. Harusnya 3 hari sebelum dikumpul, dia udah selesai dan udah tinggal edit kesalahan" kecil yg dia buat dalam tugas itu. Procrastinator.

Relax. It will be done, even if it's not by you.

Temen gue selalu bilang, "I pick up after people". Dan memang gue liat itu yg sering dia lakukan. Dia selalu ngebersihin bekas"nya orang laen. Ya gelas" di meja, lah. Ya tissue yg jatoh dan dibiarin aja lah. Ya pekerjaan orang laen (apapun itu) yg ditinggalkan ngga selesai lah. Kenapa? Catetan: dia bukan tukang bersih" lho ya! Kenapa dia harus bersihin bekas" orang laen? Well, dia ngga harus kok. Tapi dia tau cara pikir orang yg ngebiarin aja pekerjaan itu ngga selesai, atau ngebiarin aja gelas itu di meja, atau tissue itu di lantai. Mereka berpikir kalo semua itu akan secara ajaib diselesaikan oleh orang" lain yg seperti teman gue ini. Orang" yg ngga betah liat barang" berceceran atau tugas terbengkalai. Seringkali gue tau dia pengen cuek aja dan ngga beresin bekas" orang laen. Hehe.. Tabah ya, bu.

Hal menunda, menunda Hal.

Ngga ngerti kan? Sekarang bayangkan seseorang yg bernama Hal. Hehehe... Bayangkan dia punya sesuatu hal penting yg harus dia kerjain, tapi dia tunda pekerjaan itu. Bayangkan dia punya lebih dari satu pekerjaan yg dia tunda. Karena Hal menunda pekerjaannya, dia jadi ngga bisa melakukan pekerjaan yg lain, dan akhirnya Hal harus mengerjakan pekerjaan lainnya di lain waktu, setelah pekerjaan dia yg satu itu selesai. Karena Hal menunda, Hal tertunda. Yes?

Sekarang ini gue lagi menunda beberapa hal. Gue sedang menunda ngerjain essay 1500 kata tentang Andropause dan efeknya pada kesehatan sang pria dan anak yg di"sebabkan"nya saat ia sudah mengalami andropause. Gue sedang menunda mandi karena gue baru bangun jam 11.22 siang ini (sekarang jam 12.37). Gue sedang menunda keramas karena ntar malem bakalan keringetan anyway (jangan tanya kenapa). Gue sedang menunda nelpon orangtua di Jakarta untuk tanya kabar mereka dan kabar adek gue. Gue sedang menunda masak makanan. Gue sedang menunda nyuci gelas bekas kopi kemaren.

Dan gue selalu, selalu, menunda cinta.

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Saturday, September 09, 2006

Saya memaafkan kamu... soalnya kamu bego! 

Susah banget ngga sih maafin orang? Apalagi kalo itu orang salahnya udah banyak banget, atau salah cuma sekali tapi parah buanget! Misalnya dia ngga sengaja masukin kucing loe ke mesin cuci, atau lupa ngejemput loe dari perpustakaan yg sudah mau tutup (jam 10 malem) dan ngga minta maaf sama sekali, atau mungkin hal kecil misalnya ngga ngajak loe pergi ke konser yg jelas" elo pengen dateng banget dan dia punya tiket ekstra, dan tiketnya malahan dibuang.

Seringkali emang pengen banget sih memaafkan orang, tapi gimana caranya? Apa kita datengin dia dan ngomong jelas" ke mukanya, "Hey saya maafin kamu lho. Udah kita adem sekarang". Terus kalo dia bilang "Emang salah gue apa?", gimana? Matilah. Udah malu, gondok pula.

Yg bikin super bete lagi sih kalo itu orang berlaku kaya ngga ada apa" dan dia ngga salah sama sekali. Kadang otak ngga nyampe aja ke cara berpikir orang" macem gitu. Kalo kata orang, yg kaya gitu itu harus dikasihanin, tapi kok gue ngga ngerti ya kenapa harus dikasihanin? Yg normalnya sih, orang" kaya gitu itu harus dijitak! Cuma ngga boleh. Gimana dong?

Iya kalo loe emang blon nyadar" juga, gue lagi curhat colongan. Satu orang (plus pacarnya) melakukan satu hal yg bener" bikin gue kesel, tapi yg bikin gue marah itu bukan apa yg dia (gue udah ngga ngarep apa" dari cewenya) lakukan ke gue, tapi the fact that dia ngga datengin gue straight after dan bilang sesuatu tentang itu. Yah minimal minta maaf. Gue tau kok dia ngerasa salah. Dia ngga berani aja datengin gue. Jadi gue harus datengin dia duluan?

At this point in time gue masih belon bisa datengin orang itu dan sok berbiasa-biasa ria seperti ngga pernah ada kejadian apa". Gue ngga bisa. Gue belum bisa. Bukannya gue ngga mau. Gue tau kok gue harusnya bersikap lebih dewasa, tapi gue tau kalo saat ini dia ditaro di depan gue, gue ngga bakalan bisa tahan untuk ngga tereak"in mukanya dia dan ngomel" abis"an. Yah makanya sekarang gue minta tolong temen buat jadi penengah, karena gue tau gue ngga bisa lakuin itu sendiri.

Keselnya...

Jadi harusnya gue bilang apa? I forgive you for being a bitch? Yeah. Pengennya sih gitu. Abis musti gimana?

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Friday, September 01, 2006

Obsesi. 

"I think he's obsessed with me"

Itu kalimat yg ngga berapa jam lalu gue ucapin ke temen gue saat sedang lunch di dekat uni. Yeah, sepertinya ada yg terobsesi sama gue dan aspek" hidup gue. Kenapa? Ngga tau.. Gue ngga pernah bilang gue narsis kok.

Kejadiannya sekitar weekend minggu kemaren. Gue mutusin untuk revisit masa" banci friendster gue dan liat" siapa aja sih manusia yg udah sial"nya nyasar ke page friendster gue. Gue sama sekali ngga nyangka saat gue nemu wajah asing di kotak tempat nampang muka" orang yg udah ngeliat fs gue. Penasaran dong. Cewek lagi. Jarang" punya nih. Alhasil (cieh diriku..) gue click fotonya dan masuk ke page friendsternya. Oh oh siapa dia?

Ternyata oh ternyata siapa sangka tak dinyana (apa sih?!), yg ngintip itu cewe barunya mantan gue. Jangan tanya mantan yg mana! Ngga penting betul..

Seperti banci" friendster pada umumnya, gue buka" testi dong. Setelah beberapa halaman, testi" bermakna dan testi" laen yg ngga meaning, gue menyimpulkan bahwa anak ini baik (harusnya kalo menurut kata temen"nya ya. kalo salah, maap" aja. gue cuma ngikutin kata orang kok). Dan tiba" mata gue ngampruk ke testi yg ini:

"sebnernya ga gampang bwt mensimplikasikan gimana ***** itu dalam kotak yg isinya cma seribu karakter..huhuhuw

***** itu....the beautiful things for my world... a girl who contradictive, unique, lovely, moody, romantic, tranquil, smart, beautiful,a natural enchantress...ce yg bs bkin gw pengen ngabisin waktu gw sharian cma bwt dy..heheheh..

pokoknya....***** itu toooooob deeeehhh;p....."

Testi standar seorang cowok kepada ceweknya kan? Think again. Setelah gue kembali balik" halaman testi" gue sendiri, ini yg gue temukan:

"A girl with some astonishing new year's
resolutions.

That's not all, of course. I just don't have
the courage to simplify her in a less
than 1000 characters testimonial
.

Well, in other words, i don't really know
her. Heheh. But, so far so cool!"

Tolong liat balik ke testi yg diatas ya. Terus liat lagi testi yg ini:

"She's my thornless rose,my
contradictive side,my sanctuary from
the world...hai say,with your
permission aku ngisi testi kamu ^_^.my
girl,she's the most beautiful thing
ever happens to
me.contradictive,unique,lovely,moody,ro
mantic,tranquil,smart,beautiful,a
natural enchantress
....ur all of
that.btw,still can't figure out why do
u love me,though we never had any
reason,because the most interesting
things bout our love,is the things
that we share,love itselves....-
10:54,Menanti Sebuah Bintang Jatuh-"

Dua testi di atas itu testi dari teman dan dari mantan gue untuk gue entah berapa abad yg lalu. See anything familiar? Yup, tulisan" yg di bold itu either persis sama, atau translasi. Kesimpulan?

1. Dia masih terobsesi sama gue.
2. Dia tidak kreatif.
3. Dia ngga tau diri.
4. Dia ngga tau malu.
5. Sebentar lagi mereka putus.

Hahaha....

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